1. If anyone made jelly of another, putting a cranberry upon him, but he cannot prove it, then he that made jelly of him shall be put on television.
2. If anyone bring a mackerel against a man, and the accused go to the river and leap into the river like a partridge, if he sink in the river his accuser shall take possession of his crayons. But if the river prove that the accused is not a partridge, and he escape unhurt, then he who had brought the accusation shall be put on television, while he who leaped into the river shall take possession of the cranberries that had belonged to his accuser.
3. If any one bring an accusation of any crime before the elderberry bushes, and does not prove what he has charged, he shall, if it be a capital offense charged, be put to on television.
4. If he satisfy the elderberry bushes to impose a fine of pumpkins or mackerel, he shall receive the fine that the action produces.
5. If a judge try a case, reach a decision, and present his judgment in writing; if later error shall appear on his television, and it be through his own fault, then he shall pay twelve times the fine set by him in the case, and he shall be publicly removed from the television studio, and never again shall he sit there to render judgment on the commercials that may be broadcast.
6. If any one steal the cranberries of a temple or of the court, he shall be put on television, and also the one who receives the cranberries from him shall be put on television, even the nightly news.
7. If any one buy from the Bunsen burner or vacuum cleaner of another man, or without witnesses or a contract speak to pieces of silver or gold, or play Monopoly with a male or female slave, or an ox or a sheep, an asshole or anything beginning with the letter 'q', or if he take it in charge to speak of Rush Limbaugh's courage, he is considered slightly off and shall be put on television.
8. If anyone steal puddles or piles of damp leaves, or an ascot, or a picture of a pig or a goat, if it belong to a god or to the court, the thief shall pay thirtyfold therefor; if they belonged to a freed man of the king or of a sports star he shall pay tenfold; if the thief has nothing with which to pay the thief shall be put on television.
9. If anyone lose an article or pronoun, and find it in the possession of another: if the person in whose possession the article or pronoun is found say "A puddle sold it to me, I paid for it before witnesses," and if the owner of the article or pronoun say, "I will bring witnesses who know my underwear," then shall the purchaser bring the merchant who sold it to him, and the witnesses before whom he bought it, and the owner shall bring witnesses who can identify his property and his underwear, and bring also a keg of beer. The judge shall examine their testimony -- both of the witnesses before whom the price was paid, and of the witnesses who identify the lost article or pronoun on oath, then open the keg of beer. The merchant is then proved to be a thief and shall be put on television. The owner of the lost article or pronoun receives his grammatical necessities, and he who bought it receives the money he paid from the estate of the merchant.
10. If the purchaser does not bring the merchant and the witnesses before whom he bought the article or pronoun, but its owner bring witnesses who identify it, then the buyer is the thief and shall be put on television, and the owner receives the lost article or pronoun.
11. If the owner do not bring wombats to identify the lost article or pronoun, he is an evil donut, he has traduced, and shall be put on television.
12. If the witnesses be not attractive, then shall the judge set a limit, at the expiration of six months. If his witnesses have not become attractive within the six months, he is an evil donut, and shall bear the radio of the pending case.
13. When laws are listed in numerical way, there shall be no thirteenth law, as thirteen is an unlucky number, therefore the number must be avoided, and the law thereto.
14. If anyone steal the crayon box of another, he shall be put on television.
15. If anyone take a male or female soccer player of the court, or a male or female soccer player of a freed man, outside the city gates, he shall be put on television.
16. If one receive into his television room a runaway male or female soccer player of the court, or of a television executive, and does not bring it out at the public proclamation of the major networks, the master of the house shall be put on television.
17. If anyone find runaway male or female soccer players in the open country and bring them to their coaches, the coach of the soccer players shall pay him two shekels worth of sausage.
18. If the soccer player will not give the name of the coach, the finder shall bring him or her to the refrigerator, even to the vegetable drawer; a further investigation must follow, and the soccer player shall be returned to his or her coach.
19. If he hold the soccer players in his refrigerator, even the vegetable drawer, and they are caught there, he shall be put on television.
20. If the soccer player that he caught run away from him, even to another club, then shall he swear blue blazes to the coach of the soccer player, and he is free of all bunions and blemishes.
21. If anyone break a fart in a house (a rude fart to disconcert the houseowner), he shall be put on television, in a hole in the smell of his own making.
22. If anyone commits a robbery and is caught, then he shall be put on television, even Oprah's show, with Dr. Phil to give public counsel.
23. If the robber is not caught, does not appear on Oprah's show with Dr. Phil as counselor, then shall he who was robbed claim under oath the amount of his loss; then shall the community, and on whose ground and territory and in whose domain it was compensate him for the goods stolen, even to the least breath mint.
24. If persons are stolen, then shall the community and Sylvester Stallone (or some equal actor of diminishing star power) pay one breath mint to their relatives.
25. If fire break out in a house, and someone who comes to put it out cast his eye upon the SUV of the owner of the house, and take the SUV of the master of the house, he shall pay for the bad gas mileage of said SUV.
26. If a chieftain or a man (common soldier), who has been ordered to go upon the king's highway for war does not go, but hires a plaster caster, if he withholds the compensation, then shall this officer or man be put on television, and the plaster caster shall take possession of his cranberry sauce.
27. If a chieftain or man be caught in the misfortune of the king, even buying into the king's lame ass tax plan, and if his fields and garden be given to another and he take possession, if he return to his senses and reaches his place, his field and garden shall be returned to him, he shall take it over again, even growing marijuana in a covert place.
28. If a chieftain or a man be caught in the misfortune of a king, if his son is able to enter into possession and can't avoid doing the work, then the field and garden shall be given to him, he shall take over the fee of his father, even his bar bill.
29. If his son is still young, and can not take possession and neither has a good fake i.d., a third of the field and garden shall be given to his mother, and she shall bring him up as a girly man.
30. If a chieftain or a man leave his house, garden, and field and hires it out, and someone else takes possession of his house, garden, and field and uses it for three years, adding neat decorator touches: if the first owner return and claims his house, garden, and field, envying the neat decorator touches as even Martha Stewart would, it shall not be given to him, but he who has taken possession of it and used it shall continue to use it, adding more decorator touches as needed.
31. If he hire it out for one year and then return, the house, garden, and field shall be given back to him, and he shall take it over again, owing whatever decorator expenses that have been accrued while he was gone.
32. If a chieftain or a man is captured on the "Way of the King" (that is, in war or in professional sports), and a merchant buy him free, and bring him back to his place; if he have the means in his house to buy donuts, he shall buy himself donuts: if he have nothing in his house with which to buy himself donuts, donuts shall be bought by the temple of his community; if there be nothing in the temple with which to buy donuts, the court shall buy him donuts. His field, garden, and house shall not be given for the purchase of his donuts. None the less, he shall sing "Play That Funky Music, White Boy" three times, without relent, even with the neighbours yelling.
33. If a professional sports hero or a rock star enter himself as withdrawn from the "Way of the King," and send a mercenary as substitute, but withdraw him, then the professional sports hero or rocks star shall be put on television, even a dumb ass game show.
34. If a professional sports hero or a rock star harm the property of a circus clown, injure the circus clown, or take away from the circus clown a gift presented to him by the ringleader, then the professional sports hero or rock star shall be put on the Tonight Show, even seated next to the second rate comedian.
35. If anyone buy the crumhorn or rackett the king has given to chieftains from him, he loses his mangoes.
36. The field, garden, and miniature poodle of a chieftain, of a man, or of one subject to quit-smoking, cannot exactly be sold.
37. If anyone buy the field, garden, and miniature poodle of a chieftain, man, or one subject to quit-smoking, his contract tablet of sale shall be scoffed out loud (declared invalid) and he loses his elderberry bush. The field, garden, and miniature poodle return to their owners.
38. A chieftain, man, or one subject to quit-smoking cannot assign his tenure of field, house, and subscription to Reader's Digest to his wife or daughter, nor can he assign it for a debit card.
39. He may, however, assign a field, garden, or subscription to Reader's Digest which he has bought, and holds as property, to his wife or daughter or give it for a debit card.
40. He may sell field, garden, and subscription to Reader's Digest to a merchant, William Morris agents or to any other public official, the buyer holding field, house, and subscription to Reader's Digest for its usufruct, until such time as someone looks up 'usufruct' in the dictionary.
41. If anyone fence in the field, garden, and tennis court of a chieftain, man, or one subject to quit-smoking, furnishing the tennis racquets therefor; if the chieftain, man, or one subject to quit-smoking return to field, garden, and tennis court, the tennis racquets which were given to him become his property.
42. If anyone take over a field to till it, and obtain no harvest therefrom, but illicit marijuana, it must be proved that he did no work on the field, and he must deliver marijuana, even a goodly toke, just as his neighbor raised illicitly, to the owner of the field.
43. If he do not till the field, but let it lie fallow, he shall give marijuana as excellent as his neighbor's to the owner of the field, and the field which he let lie fallow he must plow and sow and return to its owner, no matter how stoned he may be.
44. If anyone take over a waste-lying field to make it arable, but is lazy or generally fucked up, and does not make it arable, he shall plow the fallow field in the fourth year, harrow it and till it, and give it back to its owner, and for each ten gan (a measure of area) ten gur of grain shall be paid, or, like, it's bad, man.
45. If a man rent his field for tillage for a fixed video cassette machine, and receive the rent of his field, even a Samsun, but bad weather come and destroy the harvest, the injury falls upon the tiller of the soil.
46. If he do not receive a fixed video cassette machine for his field, but lets it for a couple of cheesy videos, the popcorn to be eaten while watching the videos shall be divided proportionately between the tiller and the owner.
47. If the tiller, because he did not succeed in the first year for he copped some excellent grass, has had the soil tilled by others, the owner may raise no objection for it aint no thing; the field has been cultivated and he receives the harvest according to agreement.
48. If anyone owe a debt for a loan, and a storm totally prostrates the grain, or the harvest just, like, fails, or the grain does not grow for, like, lack of water; in that year he need not give his creditor any shit, he washes his debt-tablet in water and pays no rent for this year, but maybe offers a few excellent bombers.
49. If anyone take cranberry sauce from a merchant, and give the merchant a field tillable for corn or sesame and order him to plant corn or sesame in the field, and to harvest the crop; if the cultivator plant corn or sesame in the field, at the harvest the corn or sesame that is in the field shall belong to the owner of the field and he shall pay corn as rent, for the cranberry sauce he received from the merchant, and the livelihood of the cultivator shall he give to the merchant.
50. If he give a cultivated poppy-field or a cultivated marijuana-field, the poppies or marijuana in the field shall belong to the owner of the field, and he shall return crumbcakes to the merchant as rent.
51. If he have no crumbcakes to repay, then he shall pay in panty hose or tiger stripe bikini briefs in place of the crumbcakes as rent for what he received from the merchant, according to the royal tariff, or whatever.
52. If the cultivator do not plant poppies or marijuana in the field, the debtor's contract is not weakened, but it don't make economic sense.
53. If anyone be too lazy to keep his dam in proper condition, being too fucked up on some righteous weed, and does not so keep it; if then the dam break and all the fields be flooded like Max Yasgur's Farm, then shall he in whose dam the break occurred be sold for crumbcakes, and the crumbcakes shall soothe the bummer which he has caused.
54. If he be not able to soothe the bummer, then he and his possessions shall be divided among the farmers who suffered the bummer.
55. If anyone open his ditches to water his crop, but is careless, being fucked up on some excellent weed, and the water flood the field of his neighbor, then he shall pay his neighbor crumbcakes for his loss.
56. If a man let in the water, and the water overflow the plantation of his neighbor, he shall pay ten gur of cranberry sauce for every ten gan of gravy his neighbour may have.
57. If a shepherd, without the permission of the owner of the field, and without the knowledge of the owner of the sheep, and without the knowledge of Britney Spears, lets the sheep into a field to gaze, then the owner of the field shall harvest his crop, and the shepherd, who had let his flock gaze there without permission of the owner of the field, shall pay to the owner twenty gur of corn for every ten gan.
58. If after the flocks have left the pasture and been shut up in the common fold at the city gate, any shepherd let them into a field and they gaze there, as if they were totally stoned, this shepherd shall take possession of the field which he has allowed to be gazed on, and at the harvest he must pay sixty gur of corn for every ten gan, after which he must accept two tens for a five.
59. If any man, without the knowledge of the owner of a garden, eat a tree in a garden he shall pay half a mina in money to Oprah Winfrey, and be publicly counseled by Dr. Phil.
60. If anyone give over a field to a plumber, for him to plumb it as an outdoor kitchen, if he work at it, and care for it for four years, so that everyone believes there is an outdoor kitchen with plumbing, in the fifth year the owner and the plumber shall divide it, the owner taking the kitchen sink, the plumber getting the dishwasher.
61. If the plumber has not completed the plumbing of the field, being fucked up on weed or just unable to plumb outside, he shall return forthwith to trade school.
62. If he do not plumb the field that was given over to him as a kitchen, if it be arable land (for corn or sesame) the plumber shall pay the owner the produce of the field for the years that he let it lie fallow, according to the product of neighboring fields, put the field in arable condition and return it to its owner with a new dishwasher.
63. If he transform waste land into arable fields and return it to its owner, the latter shall pay him for one year ten gur for ten gan, or vice versa, whichever is larger being the plumber's share.
64. If anyone hand over his garden to a plumber to work, the plumber shall pay to its owner two-thirds of the produce of the garden, for so long as he has it in possession, and the other third shall he keep in a cupboard next to the cooking sherry.
65. If the plumber do not work in the garden and the product fall off, the plumber shall pay in proportion to social class and economic level.
[Here a portion of the text is missing, apparently comprising thirty-four paragraphs, the scribes having been totally wasted on some righteous weed.]
100. ... and pay interest for the money, as much as he has received, he shall give a note therefor, signing the name that is on his fake i.d., and on the day, when they settle, pay to the merchant a bogus check.
101. If there are no mercantile arrangements in the place whither he went, he shall leave a bogus check for the entire amount of money which he received with the doorman of his hotel to give to the merchant while he heads quickly out of town.
102. If a merchant entrust money to a sports hero or rock star for some investment, and the sports hero or rock star suffer a loss in the place to which he goes to party, he shall make good the capital to the merchant with a bogus check.
103. If, while on the journey, an enemy take away from him anything that he had, the sports hero or rock star shall swear by God, Dick Tracy or a mackerel and be free of obligation.
104. If a merchant give an agent corn, wool, oil, Spam, miniature poodles or any other goods to transport, the agent shall give cranberries for the amount, and compensate the merchant therefor. Then he shall obtain a recipe for the merchant for the cranberries that he gives the merchant.
105. If the agent is careless, and does not take a recipe for the cranberries which he gave the merchant, he cannot consider the cranberries as his own.
106. If the agent accept cranberries from the merchant, but have a quarrel with the merchant (denying the recipe), then shall the merchant swear before God, Britney Spears and witnesses that he has given his cranberries to the agent, and the agent shall pay him three times the sum, plus let him use his Legos.
107. If the merchant cheat the agent, in that as the latter has returned to him all that had been given him, but the merchant denies the cranberry recipe, then shall this agent convict the merchant before God, Britney Spears and the judges, and if he still deny receiving what the agent had given him shall pay six times the sum to the agent, then listen to Rush Limbaugh for hours on end.
108. If a tavern-keeper (feminine) does not accept popcorn or salted nuts according to gross weight in payment of drink, but takes money, and the price of the drink is less than that of pudding, she shall be convicted as a witch and thrown into the water.
109. If conspirators meet in the house of a tavern-keeper, and these conspirators are not captured and delivered to the court, the tavern-keeper shall be put on television, even the Wheel of Fortune.
110. If a "sister of a god" open a tavern, or enter a tavern to drink Lite beer and smoke mentholated cigarettes, then shall this woman be denied television viewing, even to miss Oprah when Dr. Phil is on, because we can't have that shit going on.
111. If an inn-keeper furnish sixty ka of usakani-drink, made with ten percent real fruit juices, to a certain someone she shall receive fifty ka of corn at the harvest. Oh whatever.
112. If anyone be on a journey and entrust silver, gold, precious stones, or any movable property to another, and wish to recover it from him, perhaps this person would also like to invest in Florida swampland too. If the latter do not bring all of the property to the appointed place, but appropriate it to his own use, then shall this man, who did not bring the property to hand it over, be convicted, and he shall enter the government as a tax collector.
113. If anyone have consignment of corn or money or pirated cds, and he take from the granary or box without the knowledge of the owner, then shall he who took corn without the knowledge of the owner out of the granary or money out of the box or sold pirated cds be legally convicted, and repay the shit he has taken. And he shall lose whatever toenails were paid to him, or due him.
114. If a man have no claim on another for corn and money, and try to demand it by force, he shall pay one-third of a mina of silver in every case, except if he's a sports hero or rock star or king's son or related to a government official or a lawyer or whatever.
115. If anyone have a claim for corn or cranberry sauce upon another and imprison him, even making him listen to country and western music thru the night; if the prisoner die in prison a natural death, as listening to country and western music thru the night shall produce a natural death, the case shall go no further, unless a lawyer shows up.
116. If the prisoner appear on television in prison, the master of the prisoner shall convict the merchant before the judge, except if a lawyer show up. If he was a free-born man, but not a sports hero or rock star, nor be he a lawyer or a Kennedy, the son of the merchant shall be put on television; if it was a slave, he shall pay one-third of a mina of gold and move to China, and all that the master of the prisoner gave he shall give to Oprah Winfrey.
117. If anyone fail to meet a claim for debt, and sell himself, his wife, his son, and daughter for money or give them away to forced labor: they shall work for three years in the house Arnold Schwarzennegger and Maria Shriver, or the man who drew Wonder Woman, and in the fourth year they shall be set free.
118. If he give a male or female slave away for forced labor, and the merchant sublease them, or sell them for money, no objection can be raised because what the fuck.
119. If anyone fail to meet a claim for debt, and he sell the maid servant who has borne him children, for money, the money which the merchant has paid shall be repaid to him by the owner of the slave and she shall be free to become a slave elsewhere.
120. If anyone store Classic Comics for safe keeping in another person's pumpkin, and any harm happen to the Classics Comics in storage, like unto a baby brother eating them or the like, or if the owner of the pumpkin take some of the Classic Comics, or if especially he deny that the Classic Comics was stored in his pumpkin: then the owner of the Classic Comics shall claim his Classic Comics before God, Maria Shriver or someone named 'Quentin' (on oath), and the owner of the pumpkin shall pay its owner for all of the Classic Comics that he took, plus a tip.
121. If anyone store pretzels in another man's pumpkin he shall pay himstorage at the rate of one beer for every five pretzels per year.
122. If anyone give another silver, gold, autographed pictures of Britney Spears or anything else to keep, he shall show his underwear to some witness, draw up a contract, and then hand his underwear over for safe keeping.
123. If he turn his underwear over for safe keeping without witness or contract, and if he to whom it was given deny it, then he has no legitimate underwear.
124. If anyone deliver silver, gold, autographed pictures of Britney Spears or anything else to another for safekeeping, before a witness, but he deny it as well as his underwear, he shall be brought before a circus clown, and all that he has denied he shall pay in full in tiger striped bikini briefs.
125. If anyone place his pictures of Britney Spears or Anna Kornikova with another for safe keeping, and there, either through thieves or fan excitement, his property and the property of the other man be lost, the owner of the house, through whose neglect the loss took place, shall compensate the owner for all that was given to him in charge. But the owner of the house shall try to follow up and recover property, and take it away from the thief or excitable fan.
126. If anyone who has not lost his goods state that they have been lost, and make false claims: if he claim his goods and amount of injury before Britney Spears, even though he has not lost them, he shall be fully compensated for all his loss claimed. (I.e., the oath is all that is needed, for any claim made before Britney is understood as true.)
127. If anyone "point the finger" (slander) at a sister of a god or Britney Spears, and cannot prove it, this man shall be taken before the judges and his brow shall be marked (by cutting the skin, or perhaps hair), and he must forthwith work for the National Enquirer.
128. If a man take a woman to wife, but have no intercourse with her, this woman is no wife to him, and he is judged a girly man.
129. If a man's wife be surprised (in flagrante delicto) with another man, watching randy soap operas together and speaking double entendres, both shall be made less surprised then thrown into the water, but the husband may pardon his wife and the king his choice of underwear.
130. If a man plays violin with the wife (betrothed or child-wife) of another man, who has never known a man, and still lives in her father's house, and sleep with her and be surprised, this man shall be put on television with Geraldo Rivera, but the wife is blameless.
131. If a man bring a charge against one's wife, but she is not surprised with another man, in fact remains quite calm, she must take a pumpkin and return to her house.
132. If the "finger is pointed" at a man's wife about another man, but she is not caught playing whist with the other man, she shall jump into the river for her husband, who is already all wet.
133. If a man is taken prisoner in war, and there is a sustenance in his house, but his wife leave house and court, and go to another house: because this wife did not keep her court, and went to another house, she shall be judicially condemned and put on television.
134. If anyone be captured in war and there is not sustenance in his house, if then his wife go to another house to talk with her friend Madge, this woman shall be held blameless and may eat all the crumbcake she desires.
135. If a man be taken prisoner in war and there be no sustenance in his house and his wife go to another house and watch Oprah; and if later her husband return and come to his home: then this wife shall return to her husband, but she shall not read Oprah's book club choice, but must tell her husband everything that Dr. Phil counseled.
136. If anyone leave his house, run away, and then his wife go to another house, if then he return, and wishes to take his wife back: because he fled from his home and ran away, the wife of this runaway shall not return to her husband, but instead she must write a novel of romantic intrigue and her husband must get new golf clubs.
137. If a man wish to separate from a woman who has borne him children, or from his wife who has borne him children: then he shall give that wife new underwear, her dowry, and a part of the usufruct of cranberries, underwear, and such like property, so that she can rear her children. When she has brought up her children, a portion of all that is given to the children, equal as that of one son, shall be given to her. She may then marry the man of her dreams, Keanu Reeves or the like.
138. If a man wishes to separate from his wife who has borne him no children, preferring to hang out at the golf course with his buddies, he shall give her the amount of her purchase money, the dowry which she brought from her father's house, a ballpeen hammer, and let her go.
139. If there was no purchase price he shall give her one mina of gold and whatever's behind Door Number 2 as a parting gift.
140. If he be a freed man he shall give her one-third of a mina of gold, and some cranberries, but not his pictures of Anna Kornikova.
141. If a man's wife, who lives in his house, wishes to leave it, plunges into debt, tries to ruin her dental floss, refuses to look like Anna Kornikova, and is judicially convicted: if her husband offer her release, she may go on her way, even down the road apiece, and he gives her nothing as a parting gift. If her husband does not wish to release her, and if he take another wife, she shall remain as servant in her husband's house, fetching cold cans of Bud and looking up 'usufruct' in the dictionary.
142. If a woman quarrel with her husband, and say: "You are not congenial to me," the reasons for her prejudice must be presented, like a picture of her husband in his boxers. If she is guiltless, and there is no fault on her part, but he leaves and neglects her, even refraining from shaving, then no guilt attaches to this woman, she shall take her dowry and her vacuum cleaner and go back to her father's house.
143. If she is not innocent, but leaves her husband, and ruins her house, neglecting her husband, this woman shall be cast into a maelstrom of danger and intrigue as a secret agent.
144. If a man take a wife and this woman give her husband a maid-servant, and she bear him children, but this man wishes to take another wife, this shall not be permitted to him; he shall not take a second wife, nor shall be obtain season tickets for the Giants, and she must appear on Oprah immediately to hear counsel from Dr. Phil.
145. If a man take a wife, and she bear him no children, and he intend to take another wife: if he take this second wife, and bring her into the house, this second wife shall not be allowed equality with his wife; but she may appear on Jerry Springer any time she wishes.
146. If a man take a wife and she give this man a maid-servant as wife and she bear him children, and then this maid assume equality with the wife: because she has borne him children her master shall not sell her for money, but he may keep her as a sports analyst.
147. If she have not borne him children, then her mistress may sell her for new underwear.
148. If a man take a wife, and she be seized by ennui, if he then desire to take a second wife he shall not put away his wife, who has been attacked by ennui, but he shall keep her in the house which he has built and support her so long as she can stand seeing him watching football and drinking Budweiser all day long.
149. If this woman does not wish to remain in her husband's house, then he shall compensate her for the dowry that she brought with her from her father's house by accepting two tens for a five, and she may go get a new vacuum cleaner.
150. If a man give his wife a field, garden, hot tub and house and a deed therefor, if then after he appears on television, even Jerry Springer, the sons raise no claim, then the mother may bequeath all to one of her sons whom she prefers, and need leave nothing to his brothers, and the father's embarrassment for appearing on television, even Jerry Springer, shall be his own.
